[oldstyle] edit

by xanthan gum

  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Published August 4, 2006

In Old Poetry

PreviousNext

Loved the ending, (laughed a bit at the title).

When did
darkness become salvation
from the light?

absused from overuse, I fear

When did we all
throw our hands up and confess,
"All right, all right, I'll
grow up tonight"?

This sticks out. Too concrete (too much other style?) for this poem. I think you could express that differently.

Those days [s]that[/s] went on

You could cut it out, could leave it. It's a minor change.

All in all, this was well written. And if there was something sexual in here, I did not catch it. It's very underground-urbanized, let's say. And I love the contemplations of transition. I just think they could be expressed slightly better in the middle stanza. If you brush it up, you might have something Brad-worthy here.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
xanthan gum
Comment
xanthan gum commented Comment · Aug 4, 2006

(What happened to us?)

I especially love this addition.

And you completely changed the middle. It added a new element to the poem, and I had to read it slowly and three times through to comprehend it, but it was worth it. You are very abstract, no matter how you may deny it. In any case, I don't like the rearranged rhythm of the last lines, but this is a fairer poem.



As my artist’s statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.
— Calvin